MEMORIES AND EMOTIONS

I spoke about attempting to help others in my previous blog as a way to give back and prevent others from having difficult times like I had. I truly thought it was about helping others. It was but there was so much more to it. I was dredging up old feelings and emotions when I began writing about my life story. Even though I didn’t recognize it on a conscious level, I was somewhat avoiding those feelings and emotions by bringing others to help in my life.

It’s April 2019, I had gone through a divorce in 2015. My life was at a new stage of discovery. I had sold the house that I had with my ex husband in May of 2016 and had finally after a year of renting, found a house to buy on my own. Everything felt so promising. It was like a new lease on life. I was excited about getting things unpacked and in place and beginning this new chapter.

I had not been on my own in almost 16 years prior to my divorce. This was the second time in my adult life that I was setting up a new house on my own. My first husband had passed at an early age back in 1997 and I had went through this but each time the experience was very different.

Now, as I am gathering my thoughts to tell you about my life so many memories come flooding in and with it feelings and emotions too. It’s like were do I even begin. When I originally started writing my book to tell my life story I started at the beginning. My blog chronicles now from my birth up to right before I married my first husband Rick. He is who passed in 1997.

When I began writing I had not went through my spiritual awakening so the earlier blogs you read now really need to be reviewed and possibly rewritten because I now have a clearer understanding of my life. I now know the whole truths.

Let’s go forward a few months. It’s June 2019 I have been writing a blog about once or twice a week at this time. I wrote about my first real boyfriend and losing my virginity at the young age of 12 or 13. That was a tough blog to write. You can look at the dates of my blogs and see how things were getting difficult to deal with emotionally. My next blog wasn’t written till early August. Below is an exurp.

“The previous paragraphs were written almost two months ago. I am sitting here today balling my eyes out crying. It does something to a child when they face so many things at ages that their hearts, emotions, and mind are not equipped to handle. Parents guard your children. Let them be children. Today more than ever children are bombarded with things they should not be seeing and hearing. If anything my life and many others are a true testimony of this fact. I have spent the last month pretty much in solitude. Alone at home avoiding my thoughts, avoiding talking to almost everyone. I spent time just letting my mind rest and shut down. Many of you know I fight insomnia which is supposedly caused from Fibromyalgia. I am beginning to believe that I never learned how to be relaxed. How to truly let go of my thoughts, close down and rest, etc. I have lived in a constant state of turmoil most of my life. I haven't felt truly emotionally secure but for short periods of time in my life.” Wow, if that doesn’t say it right there! Here is where things really start to unravel but looking back it’s truly the beginning of my discovery of my truths.