SEEING MYSELF IN A DIFFERENT LIGHT

Recently, I have started taking some classes on personal development. I have really become more aware of how my own wounding from my childhood effected how I related to my ex husband and to others. I spoke about our relationship in my most recent blog. It is so clear now that the both of us had so much healing that needed to be done. It's no wonder we never really communicated on a deep level and found that lasting loving relationship together.

Mark and I both had traumatic childhoods. We both came from single parent homes. Neither of our mother's were able to give us the nurturing we needed. Mark loss his dad to a tragedy at the age of five. His stepmom shot and killed his dad. I have shared before my dad was never really in my life as a child. We had grandparents who were a bright light for us thankfully.

I know that my marriage to Mark was a true life lesson. It wasn't all bad. He was never mean to me. He was a hard worker and did the best he could with where he was in his walk. We were more like roommates not husband and wife. Neither of us knew how to receive or truly give love. About 2 years after our divorce I spoke with Mark and made my amends for what I believed at the time was my part in the failed marriage. I really didn't know why then but I understand it so much better now.

I know that I still have healing to do emotionally. I am working on that. I never realized that I didn't feel that I was lovable. I always felt I had to do something for another to be worthy of receiving their love. I am working on clearing out this distortion and learning to truly love myself. Unless we can know we are lovable just as we are and love ourselves then we will never be able to truly find that connection and love that is meant for us.