WHAT WAS I RUNNING FROM?

Today I feel called to step away from the chronological sharing of my life to look at the more recent happenings. I was just going through one of my old journal notebooks today. One of the pages, well actually the very first one in this journal jumped out at me.

From January 5, 2020, What am I running from? Then on January 6, I believe I try to not focus on myself so I stay busy helping others so I want see my own problems. I keep repeating the same stupid mistakes. For example, loan my own bill money out and don’t get paid back. Then end up having to borrow money myself and it takes forever to pay it back to the person who was good enough to help me.

Do I like being disappointed?

I believe I think doing things for people then they will love me.

Wow!!! See right there in my own writing. I have shared this revelation before in my writing but not my own words from my journal. You can plainly see I did not love myself fully at this point or even think I was worthy of being loved. I had thought I had to give or do things to be worthy of being loved.

I am so thankful I finally learned two very important things: I must love myself first. If I don’t believe I am lovable then I will never find that in another person. Secondly, if you are going to help others then it must be from your heart not expecting anything in return. You can’t buy love. You must just be love yourself!