CREATING TURMOIL

Each time I have read back over my last blog post, I have identified more things that are yet to be unpacked for me. The first one that I saw and knew would need to be explained was how my writing had percepitated my past life remembrance. My reason for starting my blog was to encourage me to write often so my book would eventually get wrote, as well as, to grow a following of individuals who would be interested in reading them and be my first purchasers of my book. A dear old friend suggested this, Mike Ragland. He was a deacon at the church where my ex husband had been a pastor but more importantly he was an amazing published author and blogs had worked for him.

Since I had experienced so much trauma and adversities most of my life, I had this feeling that others could benefit from learning how I had managed to overcome them and continued to live a life full of hope. Honestly, I believe that God had put this goal of writing a book in my heart.

As I started to pen my life, I was not only sharing my experiences but I began to analyze them myself. Like why did this happen that way and wow there seems to be so many similarities with my mom and me but yet my outcome was so different.

The more I wrote, I found myself wanting to escape the memories I was sharing. I was telling how I had overcome these various things but yet I still felt there was more work I needed to do but what, I wasn’t sure just yet.

My first big attempt was to put my focus on helping others that I came in contact with who were going through similar things that I had in the past. Looking back this had been a major theme throughout my life. Not truly recognizing it but I was shifting my focus off my own healing and onto others issues and inadvertently, I brought more issues into my life that I really wasn’t capable of handling. It really was like one of my previous counselors told me. Because of the way I grew up, I found chaos and turmoil comfortable because that had been my norm all my life. When my life was peaceful, I was always anxious waiting for the next tragedy to come that I just went ahead and created it.