IN A DAZE

As I set down tonight to write and share my life in an attempt to help others learn from my own life lessons. I just scan through the next few years to see what is something others can find helpful from where I left off in the previous blog. The overall theme jumps out to me to share.

My marriage to Mark was from May 23, 1999 until the divorce was final in January 2015. I spent almost sixteen years in a daze. Most of those years I was going to pain management once a month. I had three different operations during this time. I had a hysterectomy in 2004 because of fibroids, then back surgery in 2007 for a ruptured disc and spinal fusion, and a bladder sling and one ovary removal in 2009.

I unfortunately spent way too much time just in the bed unable to function. I was living totally unaware and just existing. One medication was antidepressants that didn't work. To this day I think why in the world did I take them for so long. I was off Klonopin and Xanax by 2003 thank goodness but I continued with a sleeping pill. I think I tried them all.

I was on neurontin or the generic gabapentin. I took 400 mg four times a day for a total of 1600 mg. Then I had 50 mg of tramadol in the beginning but later the pain management doctor changed me to 10m of methadone. Now I look back and can't believe how I allowed myself to spend so many years in a miserable mess and numb.

The havoc these medications and inactivity did on all my body systems was terrible. All my hormones got out of whack. Some of the medication dried my mouth out so it effected the health of my teeth. The medications caused sugar and carbohydrate cravings. I put on a lot of weight that I still struggle with today.

My entire personality changed. I went from a very positive and social person to a hermit, depressed, and negative. I barely interacted with anyone. I did manage most weeks to go to church on Wednesday and Sundays. I really didn't let anyone in my social life know how bad things were.

The majority of the time I was in this daze was from 2004 until 2012. We were living in Armuchee, Ga. When we moved here in 2004 this is when Mark stopped sleeping in the bed with me. He said my tossing and turning kept him awake and he had to sleep so he could work. I can understand this but honestly I felt lost and alone. He may have tried to talk to me about what state I was in but I was hard headed and I am sure if he did I didn't listen. I just wish he had found a way to get through to me. Even several of my siblings came and talked with me but still it fell on my drugged ears.

I can't hold anyone responsible but myself. I had short periods where I would do better but they never lasted. One thing about the medication I was on if you look at the side effects they were the symptoms and problems I was having. I believe now the medications are what made my pain worse and caused many of my issues.

Please if you are taking medication and you don't improve in a normal period of several months stop the cycle try something else. Our bodies are made to repair themselves if we give them the proper foods, rest, and conditions. If you have trauma or things you have never processed, please don't stuff them down and just ignore them. Talk with someone. Feel the emotions and then let them go. I am here reach out to me.