LIFE WAS NEVER THE SAME

It’s really difficult to try and recall the time after the hospital stay and his diagnosis. Rick was never the same. He barely spoke and was in so much pain. It’s still hard to let myself feel these memories but I know it is time. I am ready to uncover them all and let them go.

Due to the type of cancer and him having had a major surgery on his back, the cancer spread and it was going to be fast. The doctors never used the word “fast” but you could figure it out based on how they talked about the treatment.

Dr Nanfor was Rick’s cancer doctor. He was a very caring man. You could tell by the way he spoke to us he was genuinely upset with how Rick’s health had came to where it was after the surgery. He recommended chemotherapy. But we were told it would only “possibly” slow the growth minimally and it would be rough.

Rick wasn’t really up for it but he said he would give it a try but if it was too much he would stop them. You could see how broken hearted Rick was. He was mad. He wasn’t ready to go. The neurosurgeon who he thought was his friend had let him down. His business partner never came to the house after we left the hospital even though he went right by the house twice or more a day. The pain was beyond words. The doctors tried and tried to get him enough relief but they never did. At one point Rick had 19 pain patches on his back.

The first step was getting a mediport put in for the chemotherapy. I can still 25 years later remember being in the surgery center at Redmond. We had to be there early and Rick was hurting so bad. It was hard to transport him to places. He could barely walk. The wheelchair came fast. Rick drove a Dodge pickup truck and I had a small car so the truck it was. Rick was 6’1” and I was 5’2”. It was tough getting him in the truck and all the pillows he needed to get comfortable. Then to lift the chair and put in the truck bed. I really don’t know how I did it.

Thank you the reader for listening. If you could have only known Rick. He was a man’s man but a gentle soul. He was always a southern gentleman. He used babe, darling, and sugar in all his communication. It was a sign of endearment for him not condescending. He truly was my knight in shining armor. Still to this day I recall all the things he taught me and especially the immense love he showered me with during our 10 years together.

I am trying to recall but I think he only did 2 chemotherapy treatments. He said when he did them he felt his life draining from his body. It was like nothing he had ever experienced and he had been through a lot. So he decided no more treatment.

It’s now getting close to the end of April 1997. He had his back surgery middle of February and it was close to the end of March when he got out of hospital from the colon surgery and the cancer diagnosis. Mother was coming out of the hospital now. Oh deep sigh and breath. Let it out Wendy. Let’s feel this pain and let it go. I don’t believe I ever did this back then I couldn’t. I would have broken down and not been able to be strong for Rick. My heart is aching but it will be okay. I know this must happen to finally release all that has effected me for so many years. I love you darling!